My Husband Has Formally Seceded from the Left Side of the Bed and Declared It an Independent Sovereign Nation and Has Begun Issuing Visas and I Have Been Denied Twice
Wanda. I must disclose immediately and without shame that I have been retained previously by the government of Bertramia in an unofficial consulting capacity. I want to assure you that this does not compromise my objectivity. It does mean that I have seen the constitution. It is thorough. The Pillow Rights section alone is twelve subsections. I was not expecting twelve subsections. Nobody was.
The flag is legitimate. I know it looks like a man taped a drawing to a pen at 11pm on a Tuesday, and it is, but under what I am calling Domestic Sovereign Declaration Law (DSDL) — a legal framework I have been developing specifically in response to this case and two others like it, one involving a shed and one involving a man who declared the garage a protectorate in 2019 and has never been successfully dislodged — the flag constitutes a valid act of territorial assertion. The gold pillow on a field of dark blue is, and I say this as someone who has now seen it in person, a strong design. Bertram has an eye.
Now. The summit. Wanda, the summit is everything. Walk in with the following strategy. First: acknowledge Bertramia. Look Bertram in the eye and say "I recognize the sovereignty of Bertramia and the legitimacy of its institutions." He will not be expecting this. His constitution does not have a protocol for this. You will have the advantage for approximately forty-five seconds. Use them.
Second: the duvet. Wanda, you must give him the duvet. I know. But the duvet appropriation is documented. It is in the constitution. It is in both visa denial letters. Give him the duvet. Negotiate a sharing schedule. Get it in writing. Get it stamped.
Third: the cold feet. You are correct that this constitutes a humanitarian issue. I will be raising it formally at the summit on your behalf. I have prepared a brief. The brief is two pages and cites three precedents, one of which I invented this morning but which sounds very convincing. The thermal disparity between the right and left sides of the bed during winter months cannot be allowed to continue. Bertramia has an obligation to its neighboring territories. This is in the Geneva Convention. It is not in the Geneva Convention but I will say it with confidence and see what happens.
Fourth: The Pillow Situation. Wanda I need you to listen to me very carefully. Do not raise The Pillow Situation. Do not reference The Pillow Situation. Do not look at the pillow. If Bertram raises The Pillow Situation, nod slowly, write something down, and say "we'll need to table that for the follow-up summit." There will be a follow-up summit. There is always a follow-up summit. The Pillow Situation is a conversation for the follow-up summit, the follow-up to the follow-up summit, and possibly a UN subcommittee.
Nobody is ready for The Pillow Situation.
Go to the summit, Wanda. Wear something that says you take Bertramia seriously but that you are also a sovereign entity in your own right. Bring a pen. When the agreement is reached and Bertram moves to stamp it, let him stamp it. Let him have the stamp moment. The stamp moment is important to him and it costs you nothing and it is, if I am being honest, the part I am most looking forward to hearing about.
You did not marry a man who does things by half measures. You married Bertram. And Bertram, for reasons that began on a Tuesday and have only escalated since, has decided that your shared bed is the theatre in which he will make his mark on history.
Get warm feet, Wanda. Bertramia awaits.